artist’s site: http://kayleepinecone.com (her shop seems to be closed, but there’s an active link to her threadless and other shops)
i like tarot cards because they’re an easy way to talk about feelings - mini art therapy. i am a (not-particularly-good) songwriter, and i always loved expressing myself with music, but i’ve been a bit clogged musically this year. hopefully whatever it is comes unclogged at some point, and i can have that release back again.
in the midst of all the emotion-clog, the line about hugs from “pushing daisies” suddenly seems so fitting:
“it’s like an emotional heimlich. someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breathe again.”
this week has been an especially hefty wad of emotions for a lot of MLTSHPers, with a lot of big things haunting us - loss, unemployment, instability, the whole gauntlet of difficulty. i can’t even imagine what y’all are going through, and i feel bad that the most i can offer is a kind comment or sympathetic ear. it seems like there’s a good network of support here, though, and i think people are getting pretty great at reaching out to each other when they’re going through rough patches. i think that’s one of the reasons i stay so active here.
there are always things to improve on, of course, and it’s nice to see people moving toward cleaner lines of communication when bad things come up. the “this makes me feel...” and “i see this as…” statements overcoming the “this is stupid” and “hey, fuck you” attacks is a progress i’m really proud of. i hope i can see the “well, actually...” slowly replaced with more “yes, and…”. i hope i can see more thought about who we include (and exclude) in every post and comment as we continue this momentous growth.
i pinned the queen of cups here because this card is all about healthy, balanced emotion. the penultimate card in the suit of cups (emotion), she represents a balance between accepting and controlling the flow of emotions in ones’s life: feeling everything, but not letting it control her. empathizing and mediating. it’s a good goal for life, and one i am always struggling toward.
i haven’t had anything disruptively big in my life - in fact, everything is relatively hunky-dory personally, so i felt kind of guilty about feeling worse and worse over the course of the last couple of weeks. sometimes i think it’s just not coughing up the little issues as i go, ignoring them until they’re unnecessarily big wads of fear. some of that is just anxiety management, i.e. telling myself that not every annoyance is a deliberately hostile conspiracy against me. some of that is just addressing things, little or big, instead of sweeping them under the rug. sometimes it’s reminding myself to not internalize or personalize every struggle around me.
i kind of hit my tipping point yesterday after getting hit with a bunch of gruesome/gross stuff in the course of my research. had a cry, took a nap, put in some PTO for today. probably going to waste most of the day on reading, videogames, and tv, but hopefully the long weekend will be a good reset. think i’m finally going to sell my car and buy a bike, which would be one less stress on the plate. think i might try to at least set up a couple of minor things i’ve been putting off and see if it releases some pressure.
anyway, wow! this turned into a long thing. well, whatever, happy friday!